Between a rock and a hard place

One Sunday at church I received a small coaster that read "What you are is God's gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God." I decided early on that my gift to God would be to please my parents. I idealized and idolized them.

To please my father, I studied hard and always got good grades. To please my mother I became the family diplomat -- always intervening in every family argument, listening to every side, empathizing with everyone and trying to find a way to bridge the gaps. To please them both, I was obedient, diligent, cheerful and reliable. There were many times when I felt as though no matter what I did, it simply wasn't quite as much as they expected. To my siblings I was probably an insufferable goody two-shoes most of the time.

[...]

I came home one weekend to visit. I was in turmoil. As dramatic as it sounds, it really is the case that I had an epiphany while taking a shower on Sunday morning. My body had been trying to tell me something with all those months of headaches... At twenty-two, at that moment, it finally dawned on me that my life couldn't be about pleasing my parents... My life was my own... My headache disappeared. I got out of the shower and prepared to disappoint my parents.

-- "Tough Choices" by Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina's book is hardly spiritual (or it wasn't meant to be, I think), but those few paragraphs hit me hard. With the exception of that last sentence, it could all have very well been written by me. Yes -- even as I'm struggling to come to terms with what this means, I'm not ready to disappoint my parents yet.

It's difficult enough having to walk that tightrope between wanting to expect the best of others and placing unrealistic expectations on them -- it's harder when those people are your parents. Or my parents, specifically.

Their commitment to the family has been so steadfast, that I always thought -- no matter how much disappointment I faced in the world, they would be the two people whom I could count on to do the right thing. But the right thing is often also excruciatingly difficult to do, and for me to hold these cracks against them is nothing but selfishness on my part; it doesn't diminish their love for me, and it doesn't mean that they care any less. They're entitled to their fair share of insecurity and doubt.

I'm still struggling, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that they are human too. They're not perfect, but neither am I. What I am still learning from them, however, is acceptance -- something that they've freely given to me the moment they laid eyes on me; something that I have not learnt to return.

It scares me that I may one day have to disappoint them, and I hope that if and when I do, they will know how difficult a decision it was for me to make, and that I never meant to hurt them. I know that in recent times, my parents have feared losing their children -- to geography, to marriage, to ministry -- but I also hope they realise that they only way that they can cling on to us is if we all cling on to God. And if I am made to choose between my parents' way and God's way, I hope that I will have the courage to obey the Higher Calling, and that they will eventually understand why I had to break their hearts.

More than this

With the luxury of having a long weekend, and being somewhat inspired by Project 365, here's a picture for each day of the past week. :)


Taken Tuesday, October 17, 2006 at 11:08 AM -- This is my current object of obsessive consumption at work. It's fruit-flavoured tea (or "Flavoury Tea" as the label says), and it comes in five delectable fruity goodness. My favourite is the grapefruit and orange one -- I love the citrusy aroma! :)


Taken Wednesday, October 18, 2006 at 10:15 AM -- Another one taken at work; I promise I'm working the rest of the time! This is the chair that I have tucked under my table, and that I pull out for my guests, when they do come around. Doesn't look too welcoming, I know, but it's the one I was given, and it's probably just as well since the only people who pop in are my bosses. ;)


Taken Thursday, October 19, 2006 at 9:34 PM -- That's me booking my tickets for Corrinne May's Christmas concert at The Esplanade in December. (Thanks, Jeff!)


Taken Friday, October 20, 2006 at 7:04 PM -- At the new Vivocity. Met a former classmate for dinner, and ran into another. It's crazy-crowded there, and we ended up going to Harbourfront to eat. I didn't do much shopping, mostly because pay day isn't until next week! ;)


Taken Saturday, October 21, 2006 at 12:58 PM -- Went to the airport to have brunch with Zijuan, who was back from a business trip. Peacocks made of orchids; very pretty.


Taken Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 2:20 PM -- At Ngee Ann City for lunch with Xinying after church. I am pretty intolerant of inconsistencies, so I was just wondering: why is it English Breakfast Tea and English Afternoon Tea? Are we naming the teas after the time of day, or the meal?


Taken Monday, October 23, 2006 at 4:01 PM -- Finally, this is Amy, hiding (as usual) from the rain that came in the late afternoon. The rain should be good for the haze, but I suspect Amy prefers the haze anytime! ;)

***

... And a song for all times (but which has been playing in my head and heart these few days). :)

There must be more than this
O, breath of God, come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God, we wait for You
Fill us anew, we pray

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord, have Your way with us

-- From "There Must be More Than This (Consuming Fire)" by Tim Hughes

Kazakhstan

Kazakhstan. Every time I told someone I was going to Kazakhstan, I couldn't help feeling a sense of disappointment on the receiving end. Here was someone who had the chance to go abroad for the summer, and rather than parading around Paris, lounging around Lazio, or even taking in the sights in Tokyo, I was going to a place that no one had ever heard of, much less could spell.

Friends would sometimes ask me if I was ready for my trip to Kyrgyzstan. Kazakhstan, I had to correct them. I myself had barely a clearer picture of what to expect upon arrival.

[...]

Being one of the few places in the world left without a single McDonald's, Starbucks or Pizza Hut, Uralsk still has some of that wild, untouched feeling that is so distinctly lacking in most of Europe. I left Uralsk and Kazakhstan somewhat wistfully, knowing that I was leaving a place that I would probably never return to, merely by virtue of how hard (and expensive) it is to get to.

It was a place that was transformed for me in my mind: from a big blank space on the map to a colorful, friendly place that was both exotic and familiar at the same time. And perhaps the most interesting moments were with the people of Kazakhstan, who couldn't really wrap their minds around the idea that I wouldn't want to stay in Kazakhstan permanently, since, to them, it really was the best place on Earth to live.

-- "Kazakhstan: Isolation and Fascination" by Ula Lukszo, The Frederick News-Post

Answering the cry

I feel like one of those villagers, who always answers to The Boy, despite my better judgment. But even though I've been lied to over and over again, I can't imagine myself ever ignoring the cry, because I cannot bear the thought of the day that I do, and that wolf really appears.

Nebuchadnezzar, eat my dust

Couldn't help but chuckle at the name of the new highway that they are planning to build that will link Europe to China: Europe-Saint-Petersburg-Moscow-Kazan-Orenburg-Kyzylorda-Shymkent-Khorgos. It's a mouthful, even if it's just a provisional name!

Free hugs

I typically don't post videos on my blogs because I'm allergic to clutter, but I came across this and it made me cry.



I don't have much time to do my homework on this, but the first thought that came to my mind in those first few seconds was that that is exactly what Jesus is doing, except that it isn't Free Hugs He's giving, but Free Love -- and except that it isn't Free, but given freely at a huge price.

That's what we do: we snub Him, we ban Him from being in some places; we're so suspicious that there are no strings attached to begin with, because just why would anyone do that? And you know what, I don't blame them, because I'm still asking myself that question every single day. But that utter joy when just one person reciprocates -- He loves us that much. It truly boggles my mind.

And the song. I'm probably reading it all wrong (because what kind of a band calls themselves Sick Puppies, hurhur), but God does have His way of speaking to us, eh? :)

***

Go ahead, tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take Me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long

-- From "All The Same" by Sick Puppies

Still this road

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

-- Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It's funny that in the past two weeks, I've been so busy that I've hardly had the time to breathe, yet the moment I log in to Blogger, I have to take out my organiser to remind myself of what has transpired between then and now, as if wanting to somehow validate my existence.

***

Growing up, that was always my problem; it didn't help that the world was constantly telling me that I had to be a certain weight or do these things, dress this way or behave that way, to be accepted, to be loved. It took a long time, and a lot of work -- on God's part, in my heart -- for me to finally be in a place where I actually believe (most of the time) that I can be loved, first and foremost by God, and then by others -- that someone could actually see in me things that I never even knew were there, and think that I am beautiful because of them. (When I think of the way that God has had to send the right person/people at the right time into my path to practically scream that out at me for only the umpteenth time, it makes me laugh and cry.)

But I crossed one bridge only to come to another, and lately it just seems that my insecurity didn't disappear, it merely took on a different form; if the deception before was that I was loved conditionally, it is now that my future is uncertain. I watch lives and marriages fall apart, and some days, the fear that mine will meet with the same end is crippling. It's not a new problem, I know that; for as long as I choose to fear what my eyes see over trusting what God has promised me, I will always have a long way to go. But it is a journey that I want to take, a journey that in many ways I hope never to end.

***

It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know You'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to You

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through

'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

-- "Journey" by Corrinne May