Still this road

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

-- Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It's funny that in the past two weeks, I've been so busy that I've hardly had the time to breathe, yet the moment I log in to Blogger, I have to take out my organiser to remind myself of what has transpired between then and now, as if wanting to somehow validate my existence.

***

Growing up, that was always my problem; it didn't help that the world was constantly telling me that I had to be a certain weight or do these things, dress this way or behave that way, to be accepted, to be loved. It took a long time, and a lot of work -- on God's part, in my heart -- for me to finally be in a place where I actually believe (most of the time) that I can be loved, first and foremost by God, and then by others -- that someone could actually see in me things that I never even knew were there, and think that I am beautiful because of them. (When I think of the way that God has had to send the right person/people at the right time into my path to practically scream that out at me for only the umpteenth time, it makes me laugh and cry.)

But I crossed one bridge only to come to another, and lately it just seems that my insecurity didn't disappear, it merely took on a different form; if the deception before was that I was loved conditionally, it is now that my future is uncertain. I watch lives and marriages fall apart, and some days, the fear that mine will meet with the same end is crippling. It's not a new problem, I know that; for as long as I choose to fear what my eyes see over trusting what God has promised me, I will always have a long way to go. But it is a journey that I want to take, a journey that in many ways I hope never to end.

***

It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know You'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to You

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through

'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

-- "Journey" by Corrinne May