Confession

"Forgive me for rolling my eyes when you ask for a cup of ice, forgive me for not doing all that is required for your comfort. Forgive me for not making it known that my wife, with child, is more beautiful than all the women strutting their stuff across this hedonistic nation."

-- "A Public Confession from a Husband to His Wife," Tiller of the Backyard Garden (via Valerie)

Marriage

"I guess marriage is perhaps the closest to the intimacy we can have with God in our fallen world right now. With no one other than your half can you be so totally open, vulnerable and seen-through. So perhaps, we all yearn for it because we were made for this intimate relationship with our Creator. But that also means that our ultimate reality is not marriage on earth, but a heavenly one."

-- "For Ever After," In a Little While

His dying breath has brought me life

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

-- "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" by Stuart Townend

This is a good article on Maundy Thursday (via Danielle) if you observe it but don't know what it means, or if you don't observe it, but want to know what it means.

P.S. It means Jesus. :)

Putting and pulling together

Sometimes you get hit by something so unexpected that all you can do is try to block out all the questions. What does this mean? Why didn't I realise this before? Was there something I could have done? Where do I go from here?

It's as if -- close to completing the puzzle -- I realise that there are not enough pieces left. Worse, that I'd been putting together the puzzle wrongly from the very start.

The only thing I can do -- short of falling apart -- is just to trust, even when it's almost impossible to believe.

(Image from Getty Images.)

MP3 for me!

I've been up for 30 hours now, and although I tend to delete entries that I post in my stupor, I decided this was too good not to share -- right away.

Last night, as I finished sitting for three straight hours of staring at the computer, listening to webcast lectures, I thought about how nice it would be if I had a microphone, or a recorder of some sorts -- so that I could turn the webcasts into audio files instead. Some lecturers don't use as much visual aid, and Dr. H is one of them. I could listen to him in the car, or through my discman when I'm on the bus... the possibilities are endless! (Sorry, I had to say that.)

But I'd already switched off my computer, and didn't feel that it was that urgent to warrant waiting for Windows to start up again; I did make a mental note to see if there was any way I could change the format of the webcast.

Before I could get around to doing anything about that, Dr. H announced at this morning's lecture -- to my amazement -- that he was going to make MP3 files of all his lectures and upload them. I mean, you have to understand that I don't know any lecturer who does this -- turn their lectures into audio files; some lecturers even refuse to have their lectures webcasted (webcast?) as it is. I didn't realise until much later that I was using both hands to support my dropping jaw.

God? If I don't tell You this enough, thank You for taking care of even the smallest details -- so minute that I didn't even think to bother You with. Thank You for surprising me by dropping a miracle on my lap on a Monday; no one starts the week with such a bang as You. :)

I will show them

No Lord, he said, you've got the wrong guy
Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied
And you're telling me to speak with a maniac king
Or could it be I've lost my mind

Besides, I am weak, don't you want someone strong
To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long
And anyway, they won't believe You ever spoke to me
It's not your problem, God replied
And the rest is history

'Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out My plan
And through you I will show them, I am

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy
Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy
What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling
It's not your problem, God replied
'Cause I can do anything

There's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out My plan
And through you, I will show them

I am the first, I am the last
I am the present and the past
I am tomorrow and today
I am the only way

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl
You say that I will bring Your son into the world
How can I understand this thing You're gonna do
It's not your problem, God replied

'Cause, there's a bigger picture
And you don't have to change the world
I'm your creator, I am working out My plan
And through you, I will show them

I am

-- "I Am" by Ginny Owens

Grace

But for Your grace I could not be saved
But for Your grace I would go my way
I'm forever grateful
That You have been faithful to me, Lord
And for Your amazing grace

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

-- "But for Your Grace" by Rita Baloche

Lessons

I've often wondered -- if I had been born in a different place, to different parents -- whether I'd have found God. Then the silliness of that thought makes me chuckle, as I realise that it isn't that I found God, but that He found me; He would have, regardless of time and place.

But I do think that it's through my parents that I first learned, learned most, and am still learning, about God. It's in seeing the struggles and victories that plague our (often dysfunctional) relationship(s) that I've come to better understand my relationship with God.

When I watch my dad make up his mind (and declare firmly) that he's not going to allow my sister to holiday in Thailand, only to change his mind after 0.1524 seconds of hearing her voice over the phone, it makes me realise how much more God wants to give us our hearts' desires -- how much joy it brings Him to hear us squeal in delight.

When I watch my parents' faces fall from disappointment at our failures, and how -- despite their own doubt -- they continue to encourage us, where others might put us down, it makes me realise the pain that we cause God each time we fail Him; all the times that He's called us to help others and we've turned away because it's "not convenient," or when we're too tired to pick up the Bible (but not too tired to blog). He loves us anyway -- I'm not giving up on you, God assures, even as we lose count of the number of times we've given up on ourselves, even given up on Him.

When I watch how my mom wakes up at 5 AM every morning, to make breakfast for her husband and children, when I watch how she laughs so hard when she's with us that tears just start flowing, when I feel her lips pressed against my temple for a goodnight kiss every night; It's all worth it, are the unspoken words. And God reminds me that I'm worth it, that it is this relationship -- between Him and me -- that Jesus' blood bought.

When I watch in amazement how God took a broken family and pieced it together with such gentleness, I learn that, while God answers prayers, it is my responsibility to seek God and His will for me. Some of the things that I've asked God for are simply not in His will -- to ask of them is as unreasonable as for me to ask that my parents stop loving me. And I'm glad that these ridiculous whims go "unanswered." I wouldn't know what I'd do otherwise. His will over mine -- that's what it comes down to -- because He has promised me all things good. :)

(Image from Getty Images.)

Pursuit

"God wants us to pursue Him -- not because we can catch Him, but because only by actively pursuing Him can we be truly caught by Him."

-- "Seeking God's Face" (via Sarah)

Empirical faith

Some days, the waiting gets more tiresome, and the dreams seem farther away; the fears pound harder, and the faith dims a little.

And yet I know that it is during such times that I'm being held the closest -- carried in His arms. Blind faith? No -- mine is largely empirical. Never once has He let me down; I have no reason to believe that He ever will.

I thought that I was all alone, broken and afraid
But You were there with me
And I didn't even know, that I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Till You opened up my eyes, I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the Mountain of God

As I travel on the road You have led me down
You are here with me
And I have need for nothing more now that I have found
That You are here with me
I confess from time to time I lose my way
But You were always there to bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
Well, of all I've had, what I posess
They can't quite compare with what's in front of me

-- "Mountain of God" by Brown Bannister and Mac Powell

Absence of

A university professor challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, He did!"

"God created everything?" the professor asked. "Yes, sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists. And according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil." The student became quiet before such an answer.

The professor was quite pleased with himself, and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the faith in God is a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question, professor?"

"Of course," replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is, in reality, the absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat. All matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is, in reality, the absence of light. We can study light, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wave lengths of each colour. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally, the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold -- a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love, that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down. The young student's name -- Albert Einstein.

-- Story via Jacob Toomey via Michael Guevara

I don't know if it was indeed Einstein who said all of that, but it doesn't matter; you could scratch the last sentence, and it would still take my breath away. The concept of absence -- how is it that I never thought of it before?

Forgiving the unrepentant

"If we wait for those who have hurt us to repent first, we will almost certainly wait for a long, long time. We also give ourselves a justification to stay bitter the rest of our lives."

-- "Forgiving the Unrepentant" by R.T. Kendall, Christianity Today (via Brad Boydston)

More than a story

I grew up in Sunday School
I memorised the golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But I'll never be the same
Because He changed my life when He became

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
Everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I'm aware
Of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that he is

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
And looking back over my life at the end
I'll go to meet You saying You've been

Everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breath
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything to me
Lord, You're everything to me

-- "Everything to Me" by Avalon

Saving Grace

She had her father's blue eyes
He left home before she arrived
Mama named her Grace
Just getting by on their own
When Grace was 15 she ran from home
One December day
Grace is lost and alone in a world as cold as stone
God is counting on us to reach her with His love

It's all about Saving Grace
All about living love
Being Jesus to those He came to save
Sharing life and giving our own away
It's all about serving God
All about Saving Grace

She'd never darken the door of any church
She would say, what for -- no one there would care for me
We have to go where she lives
Simply show her who Jesus is
Watch Him set her free
For grace flows down from above
And faith requires a selfless love
For a world that's dying to see the hope in you in me

There are countless millions just like Grace
Who need a merciful embrace
They won't believe our God is real
Until they feel His touch

-- "Saving Grace" by Grant Cunningham and Matt Huesmann

Relevance

"I think relevance is a crock. I don't think people care a whole lot about what kind of music you have or how you shape the service. They want a place where God is taken seriously, where they're taken seriously, where there is no manipulation of their emotions or their consumer needs."

-- "Spirituality for All the Wrong Reasons," Eugene Peterson, Christianity Today (via Brad Boydston)

Rocky

This past week I've been struggling with some difficult decisions about what to do with regards to Rocky's illness. And even though I never even thought to bring this before God, He has sent me angels to let me know that He is in this with me too -- nothing is too small.

I couldn't cover all of my feelings for this soul mate who has literally grown up with me, even if I wanted to. 15 years -- wow, I should be thankful. And I am. I really, truly, am. But the thought of losing him... how will I ever come to terms with that?

I realise that some people will think this train of thoughts silly or ridiculous, even blasphemous, considering the human lives that have been lost; here I am, mourning over the possible death of a dog who is past his expiry date. But this is mine -- my dog, my struggle, and one day, my tragedy and my tears.

And yet, even in the midst of much pain and confusion, God has reminded me that I'm not the only one in this, and that this dog that He has sent me has touched more lives that I know.

I got a dog recipe book for my birthday yesterday, along with a card that reminisced one faithful day some years ago. Portugal had lost in the World Cup, and H, being an ardent fan, was over at my place, along with some other friends, witnessing their demise. As she sobbed, she clung on to Rocky and refused to let him go -- we couldn't help but laugh. And Rocky, as if on cue, stayed still and let himself be hugged, clueless as he was to what was going on. The thing about Rocky is that, affectionate as he is, he does not like to be held in one place for long periods. But this day, he stayed. He stayed, and my friend was comforted.

Tonight, I talked with X for the first time about my dilemma and struggle with deciding the best course of action to take, and my fear of making the wrong decision. In the midst of my crying, she chuckled.

"Remember the time we painted your room?"

"What about that?"

"We had this tray of paint on the floor, and Rocky wandered into the room..."

"... and we told him not to step into the paint!"

"But he did, and he..."

"... left his paw prints all over my room!"

We were breathless and doubled over in laughter at the memory. You really had to be there. One dog, standing at the end of a long trail of paw prints, totally oblivious to four girls who were screaming at him to stop walking.

In laughter and in tears, he was there -- and not just for me too. Thank you for sharing these long-forgotten stories with me. And thank you for loving Rocky in your own ways.

***

Earlier tonight, my brother asked my dad the question that I never did dare ask.

"Do dogs go to heaven?"

"I believe that all animals will return to God, yes," my dad answered.

And that actually made sense to me -- after all, God made them dogs, didn't He?

I didn't dare to ask because I told myself that it didn't really matter. I didn't want to talk myself into believing something untrue just because it served me comfort.

But hey, John saw horses in heaven, didn't he? And yet, again, it doesn't matter -- I can't do anything about what happens to Rocky after he is gone from here. I can only love him while he is.

Faith and faithfulness

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going
Where the road is leading me
Life can be full of so many changes
So many uncertainties
But there's one thing that's constant in this heart of mine
It's knowing that You're gonna love me, come rain or shine

I have no doubt
That You will never leave me
That You'll be there to keep me safe and warm
I have no doubt
No matter where You take me
That nothing can separate me from You, Lord

I don't know what You've planned for tomorrow
Or what lies up ahead for me
Pleasure, pain, worry or sorrow
Today is as far as I can see
You may see fit to take me through the valley, Lord
Or on the mountain
It makes no difference where I go

I wanna run away
From that voice that I hear calling
But I'll be quick to answer and obey

-- "I Have No Doubt" by Dawn Thomas and Tommy Greer

I never knew how much doubt and faith were alike -- just a little is more than enough. I have no doubt? That'd be more than a lie; I have so many doubts that I cannot even begin to list them. But I also have faith -- just that small bit. And yet, what matters is not the inadequacy of my faith, but the extent of God's faithfulness.

But there's one thing that's constant in this heart of mine
It's knowing that You're gonna love me, come rain or shine

It's not because my faith is perfect -- but that God's faithfulness is.