My heart's desire

It seems so many girls desire the fairy tale life. They long for the prince to come and sweep them away. I don’t really want that. I want to be pursued, yes. But I don’t really desire the “princely” sort of things. I couldn’t care less about flowers and chocolates; I would prefer an evening of good conversation. I don’t always need to be showered in jewelry; I would prefer a good CD or concert tickets. I enjoy flowers, chocolates, jewelry, and other relationship trademarks, but I don’t need them.

As I’ve been thinking about marriage, I realize that I do not desire a prince. Instead, I desire my best friend. I desire someone that I can stay up talking to all night even after a year or ten of marriage. I desire someone that I can laugh with. I desire someone who I could wear my Hello Kitty pajama pants around without feeling self-conscious. I desire someone who knows me well enough to know that tradition and presents and words do not impress me. Instead, I desire honesty, even when it hurts. I desire someone who is not afraid to call me on my stupidity and pride. I desire someone who loves God more than they will ever love me.

I was talking about dating and marriage with another friend of mine the other day. She said someone told her that it’s important for a female to place her heart into the hands of God, then her partner must go there to find it. That’s true. I believe that is one of the reasons marriage is not quite as sacred and beautiful as it used to be. So many marriages are God-free. And a marriage without God in the center is destined to fail at some point. It says in Scripture that God is love. And what is a marriage without love?

-- "I Thee Wed" by Drea

I feel a little guilty that I keep posting chunks of Drea's diary, but the girl has wisdom beyond her years, and the uncanny ability to put into words the things that I feel but am unable to crystallise in the written form.

(Drea, if you mind me doing this, please just say the word!)

The cry of my heart

You said: "Ask and you will receive whatever you need."
You said: "Pray and I'll hear from heaven,
And I'll heal your land."

You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said: "Lift up your eyes;
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near."

You said: "Ask and I'll give the nations to you."
Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your love as it rises on us

-- "You Said" by Reuben Morgan

The inside

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

-- 1 Samuel 16:7 (NKJV)

I've never been one for huge parties; never been quite the social butterfly. There are many good things about being part of a community, a group of trusted friends and/or family, but I guess -- in the way that we all have our preferences -- for me, it's always been about getting to know each individual person. Heart to heart, one on one: what makes him tick, what makes her heart skip a beat, why he always chooses cynicism over optimism, how she manages to keep on forgiving each time someone hurts her.

So for me, this verse has always held special meaning; I stumble all the time, but I hope that I will never stop trying to see others for what they are beyond their "outward appearance."

For a long time, "outward appearance" held mere physical meaning to me; the colour of one's eyes and hair, how tall or short they were, if their shirt cost $200 or $2. But I realised that these masks that we have -- they're so much more than that. While our physical attributes are sometimes beyond our control, there are parts of ourselves that we constantly choose to project over others, even online, where something as seemingly innocuous as words on a screen -- stripped of the commercial definitions of "beauty" from the fashion industry -- is no less formidable a facade. This doesn't even have to be a conscious effort on our part, nor a deliberate ploy to deceive; it is simply the result of the impossibility of translating the complexity of a human being into mere words.

And I realised that "outward appearance" doesn't just mean the things I see, but also the things I hear, the things I touch, the things I perceive, with all of my fallible human senses -- that in the end, no matter how well I may think I know someone, only God knows their hearts. My initial reaction to this realisation was admittedly some disappointment; you mean after all my efforts to get to know someone, I can never truly understand anyone?

But then I remember how good God is, how much He loves me -- so much that I can never fully comprehend, or hope to comprehend -- then I realise that it's okay. There's plenty more for me to do: pray, trust, obey, and love. (If you've tried to keep up with any of those, you'll know that I mean it when I say that's really more than enough to keep me occupied.) Along the way, I will enjoy the laughter and tears shared, and I hope that I will be able to manage that hug or shoulder for someone to cry on -- even when I don't always understand.

***

This world can analyze
And size you up
And throw you on the scales
They can I.Q. you and run you through
Their rigorous details
They can do their best to rate you
And they'll place you on the charts
And then back it up with scientific smarts

But there's more to what you're worth
Than their human eyes can see

I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man

Well, you can doubt your worth
And search for who you are
And where you stand
But God made you in His image
When He formed you in His hands
And He looks at you with mercy
And He sees you through His love
You're His child and that will always be enough

For there's more to what you're worth
Than you could ever comprehend

You can spend your life pursuing physical perfection
There is so much more
More than ever meets the eye
For God looks through the surface
And He defines your worth by what is on the inside

-- "The Measure of a Man" by 4Him

(Download song here, 3.73 MB, 04:04, via YouSendIt.com, link expires in 7 days expired, available upon request)

Thaw out my convictions

This road is winding, narrow and steep
And I can't keep walking with frozen feet
My spirit is not willing
My heart is cold as ice
Thaw out my convictions
The passions left my life

I don't want to be a flame
I want to be a raging fire
Tired of my will, my way
Your calling's higher
I know it's time I stopped running from the truth
So I'll stand here still, until I'm filled
I wanna be moved
I wanna be moved by You

Wanna be a rebel with a holy cause
Stand against the devil and hold up my cross
You have a mission for me
A reason why I'm here
To radiate Your glory
With sweet songs to Your ears

-- "I Wanna be Moved" by Ginny Owens

More of You in my life

"You visit the earth and water it,
You greatly enrich it;
The river of God is full of water;
You provide their grain,
For so You have prepared it.
You water its ridges abundantly,
You settle its furrows;
You make it soft with showers,
You bless its growth.

"You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance."

-- Psalm 65:9-11 (NKJV)

... And so the new semester begins. :)

Aftermath

I suppose just knowing that there is a season for everything satisfies the "why," but the question that keeps forming in my mind is the "how." There are times where I'm pouring myself a glass of water, or turning the key to the ignition of the car, or just towelling myself from a shower, and everything just gives way to the question of how a life could just cease to exist. I can't understand it; he was here, and now he's gone? How did that happen?

The pain is especially acute whenever my eye catches hold of one of the many photos of him that I've put up. It's something that no amount of science or theology can explain -- that feeling of sheer bewilderness.

***

The truth is that, before Rocky, I don't think I really even liked dogs. I'm still hesitant about labelling myself a "dog-lover"; I loved -- love -- Rocky, that I know, but I don't know if I can claim to love all dogs, just as there are people that I love with my life, but I'd never purport to embrace the entire human race. I wish I were that giving, but I can only try my best, a little every day.

The truth is that it wasn't love at first sight; not quite what you might've imagined, I bet. I think I was actually frightened of Rocky the first time we met. I'd been bitten by a neighbour's dog before -- I still have the scar on my right thigh to show for it -- and you know what they say about being bitten. So I really didn't see this coming -- I didn't see myself falling so hard, so fast, for this... dog. It took me a while to warm up to him, but the day I held out my fist to him -- for him to gnaw -- it was in that moment that I realised that I could be totally vulnerable with him, and he would never hurt me. For a pre-teen who was just getting a taste of puppy love (the human kind) and the corresponding heartbreaks, this was something new -- this was something wonderful.

The truth is that, while God gave me the ability to love, Rocky probably gave me the most practice.