I would give the world to tell Your story

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Love is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell Your story
'Cause I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God

-- "To the Ends of the Earth" by Marty Sampson and Joel Houston

(Download song here, 8.09 MB, 05:53, via YouSendIt.com, link expires in 7 days expired, available upon request)

The paradox of love

Something from a sermon some weeks back keeps replaying in my mind. It was about prayer, an area where I very often fall short; whether or not we pray, we send God a message. It's just that when we don't pray, the message that we're sending God is that of "God, not now," or "God, You are not important in my life."

I've been sending God that sentiment a lot lately -- placing many other things above pursuing Him. I remember all of the times where I've felt neglected, or taken for granted, from my family and friends, and I am forced to recognise that I'm just as guilty, if not more. Sometimes I just cannot fathom why He takes me back over and over again, when in all His knowledge, He knows that I will most probably fail Him. I guess that's what they call true love.

***

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart.

[...]

We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us.

-- The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer

Not just a teen problem

The amount of self-esteem problems in girls around my age is shocking. It takes something so tiny and seemingly unsignificant to make us feel unpretty. And sometimes when we feel unpretty, it sticks because no one ever tells us otherwise.

I was thinking a bit about relationships tonight and about how I've been desiring to be in one lately. I'm well aware that I am not near ready to be someone's partner, but there are certainly moments when I'd like to be. I was thinking how hard it is to find a genuine guy, someone who is able to see a female's heart before her body, or her mind before her willingness to be made into what he chooses she should be. I realized soon that it's not just the guys who tend to judge people based solely on outer appearances. Girls are just as bad.

When I was younger, I remember sitting around with my girlfriends and talking about who we thought was cute and dateable. I had a thing for Jonathan Taylor Thomas, then later moved on to Joshua Jackson and Brian Littrell. At that age, it was the coolest thing imaginable to have a boyfriend. We all wanted one that others would envy, the cutest and the best of the bunch. Some women still think that way years later. We want a man who matches the men we see in the cologne ads or on the cover of trashy romance novels. We want the men showcased in our magazine selections, the ones who are tall, dark, and handsome. We'll get together with other girls and we'll talk about the most attractive and sometimes snicker at the one who is lacking, whether he's in that very magazine or simply walking by. Judging someone based on his or her looks is not simply a man's problem and it took me a while to get that.

I've decided I'm going to try very hard not to be that shallow of a woman. And I've also decided I'm going to try very hard not to desire that shallow of a guy. I deserve more than that, and so does whatever man I happen to end up with.

-- "The Bold and the Beautiful" by Drea

Romans 12:9-10

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honour giving preference to one another..." (NKJV)

"Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honouring each other." (NLT)

A little bit of crazy

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn
I've got worked piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small

-- "Little Superhero Girl" by Corrinne May

***

The timing couldn't have been any better; the laughter was really a welcomed distraction. The truth is that, I've been feeling a little under the weather this past week, and I'm grateful for any respite that I can find.

***

I talked to an old friend the other day, and as she put up wall after wall after wall, my heart broke. I know where it's heading because I've watched her self-destruct time after time after time, over all these years. And each time she is hurt, a new wall goes up; each time, it gets harder to tear down.

We talked, we laughed, and then fell silent.

I heard her tears though the silence, and I cried.

***

I read this, and I cried.

I listened to this, and I cried.

***

Last night, an SMS came in: "You will be to me unique in the world. I will be to you unique in the world."

Suddenly, the cloud lifted, and all was good again.

And I cried, and cried, and cried.