When someone you love becomes a memory

Dad suggested we make a trip down to the columbarium, so we did. We didn't asked any questions; we didn't need any reasons.

Standing in front of the niche, I couldn't quite believe that it's been five years since Grandma left us. Grandpa's second death anniversary is coming up in two weeks. There are no words, you know. None for the memories, none for the tears, none for the grief, none for the joy that they brought us.

As we were about to leave, I caught sight of a tiny card at the corner of one of the other niches. I read what was written on it, and my tears welled up again; they fell in large droplets onto the ground, some splashed against my feet.

"When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."

What has changed?

I'm having trouble with one of my modules. It's the same problem that I had when I was studying sociology, but worse.

My main gripe with studies about human behaviour is that they tend to put people in boxes. While I realise that generalisation and statistics are sometimes needed for the sake of, say, debate, I am extremely loath to apply specific theories to the way I interact with others; not just that, I don't even want some of these theories to make their way to my head if it makes me doubt others the way I don't want to.

Just because someone rates low on a "How Driven Are You" test doesn't mean that they're lazy; just because someone fails doesn't mean that they're worth any less; just because someone is in the position to rat on you doesn't mean that they will; just because you have the opportunity to move up doesn't mean that you should.

I'm aware that workplace politics are very real, and that they want to equip us for these changes, but we're still dealing with people, aren't we? They're still human, aren't they? What has changed, really? Jesus didn't care what other people thought; He loved them so much that He gave up His throne in heaven to walk among them as a mere mortal. He did this without condition, without any hidden agendas. He loved them all whether they were rich or poor; He loved them when they were unclean; He loved them even when they were crucifying Him.

I don't really know how I'm going to get through this module; I hope it gets better as we approach more impersonal topics, although that seems somewhat unfair. In the end, I hope that if there's anything I take away from the lessons, it isn't the formulas or the codes of etiquette, but that I learn to put Jesus above all of this. Because if I do not love, I am nothing.

This road

A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears, and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering

In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
This small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask
Why this road, why this way, and this load
Tell me how far must I go
Till I see, till I know, why this road

A million miles away from anything familiar
What was it like to be so far from home?
And though You came in love, the world misunderstood You
There must've been some days when You felt so alone

But You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me, through my darkest times

From here I cannot see
Why You choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe
That You know why...

You know
Why this road, why this way, and this load
You know how far I must go
Till I see, till I know, why this road

-- "This Road" by Ginny Owens

(Download 06 This Road.wma, 5.00 MB, 04:20, via Mooload)

Thinking of you

Dear Rocky,

It's been raining a lot lately; this current shower has been going on for what must be a full day now.

It reminded me of a dream I had about you the other day. I dreamt that I was out, taking a walk on our usual route, as I sometimes do these days -- alone. As I turned the corner, there you were staring back at me, relief written all over your face. You were so tired from walking (for what must be months now, if the chronology follows) and I cried as I took you into my arms and planted kisses all over your face. I carried you all the way home, and you buried your face between my pillows the way you always did -- I always wondered if that was because you wanted to warm your nose; I know my nose gets really cold in the early hours of the morning.

But that was like the time you got lost, remember? Must've been years ago now; I remember being in my JC uniform. It was raining then, too. I remember the three of us walking in the rain for about an hour; I cried the whole way, but we finally found you. It wasn't the first time that you'd run out because the gate had been left open, but it was the first time you couldn't find your way home. I don't know who was more worried (and relieved) then, you or us. Perhaps that was one of the early signs of your dulling senses, but we certainly never thought of it that way.

I miss you. These memories, they keep coming unannounced; I'm grateful for them, in ways that I can't explain. But I miss you -- they make me miss you more. And these days it does feel like you've lost your way again, and with all of my heart, I hope that you have truly found Home.

Goodnight, hon.

I love you.

***

Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.

-- A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis

Jesus said

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." -- John 3:16-17

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." -- Matthew 6:33

"'And you shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." -- Mark 12:30-31

There is something decidedly attractive in clean slates and second chances. So while the rest of the world make their new year resolutions, I thought it'd be a good time to pen down some reminders for the year ahead. :)

To Jesus, the Man I call Lover, Friend, Saviour, and Prince: thank you for another year of faithfulness and exceeding love; thank you for your words, your wisdom, your truth.

Another year, another step. Another new journey.