Crash course

"While we worry about how fast we grow, God is concerned about how strong we grow. God views our lives from and for eternity, so he is never in a hurry...

"... Today we are obsessed with speed, but God is more interested in strength and ability than swiftness. We want the quick fix, the shortcut, the on-the-spot solution. We want a sermon, a seminar, or an experience that will instantly resolve all problems, remove all temptation, and release us from all growing pains. But real maturity is never the result of a single experience, no matter how powerful or moving..."

-- The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren

All the times when I've most needed Him, He's always proven faithful. And yet, when He most demands my attention -- given me the time and place -- I stand Him up.

Like a crash course, my Bible-reading is always more intensive in my time of need -- a week before the examinations, when Mom and Dad are in the operating theatre, when I am afraid and alone in the dead of the night -- and its frequency plunges afterwards, during what should be a season for me to give thanks and celebrate His victory. That's the irony of unfaithfulness.

And yet the greater irony is that even in the face of obvious unworthiness, God is still faithful (2 Timothy 2:13) -- God still loves (1 John 4:10), God never fails (1 Corinthians 3:8).

"Only love can summon a response of love"

I very seldom review books before I finish reading them, but Philip Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew has been truly eye-opening. I started to highlight a paragraph that I wanted to put here, but ended up highlighting many more afterwards.

"In a garden, a man and woman had fallen for Satan's promise of a way to rise above their assigned state. Millenia later, another representative -- the Second Adam, in Paul's phrase -- faced a similar test, though curiously inverted. Can you be like God? the serpent had asked in Eden; Can you be truly human? asked the tempter in the desert...

"... Satan proposed an enticing improvement. He tempted Jesus toward the good parts of being human without the bad: to savor the taste of bread without being subject to the fixed rules of hunger and of agriculture, to confront risk with no real danger, to enjoy fame and power without the prospect of painful rejection -- in short, to wear a crown but not a cross...

"... Nailed to the cross, Jesus would hear the last temptation repeated as a taunt. A criminal scoffed, 'Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us.' Spectators took up the cry: 'Let him come down from the cross, and we will believe in him... Let God rescue him now if he wants him.' But there was no rescue, no miracle, no easy, painless path. For Jesus to save others, quite simply, he could not save himself. That fact, he must have known as he faced Satan in the desert...

"... The Temptation in the desert reveals a profound difference between God's power and Satan's power. Satan has the power to coerce, to dazzle, to force obedience, to destroy. Humans have learned much from that power, and governments draw deeply from its reservoir. With a bullwhip... human beings can force other human beings to do just about anything they want. Satan's power is external and coercive.

"God's power, in contrast, is internal and noncoercive. 'You would not enslave a man by a miracle, and craved faith given freely, not based on miracle,' said the Inquisitor to Jesus in Dostoevsky's novel. Such power may seem at times like weakness. In its commitment to transform gently from the inside out and in its relentless dependence on human choice, God's power may resemble a kind of abdication. As every parent and lover knows, love can be rendered powerless if the beloved chooses to spurn it.

"'God is not a Nazi,' said Thomas Merton. Indeed God is not. The Master of the universe would become its victim, powerless before a squad of soldiers in a garden. God made himself weak for one purpose: to let human beings choose freely for themselves what to do with him...

"... God's terrible insistence on human freedom is so absolute that he granted us the power to live as though he did not exist, to spit in his face, to crucify him. All this Jesus must have known as he faced down the tempter in the desert, focusing his mighty power on the energy of restraint.

"... God insists on such restraint because no pyrotechnic displays of omnipotence will achieve the response he desires. Although power can force obedience, only love can summon a response of love, which is the one thing God wants from us and the reason he created us."

-- The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey

Invited deep into this mystery

Befriended, befriended by the King above all kings
Surrendered, surrendered to a Friend above all friends
Invited, invited deep into this mystery
Delighted, delighted by the wonders I have seen

This will be my story
This will be my song
You'll always be my Saviour
Jesus, You'll always have my heart

Astounded, astounded that Your gospel beckoned me
Surrounded, surrounded, but I've never been so free
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
You're so worthy; my greatest gift would be the least You're due

-- "Befriended" by Matt Redman

Befriended. Surrendered. Invited. Delighted. Astounded. Surrounded. Determined.

I don't know if I ever want to understand this mystery -- this love, this... everything; I don't know if I ever will.

I am loved by my King... can you imagine anything more ridiculous and wonderful?

Reason I Live

I am Yours -- every part of me
Jesus, You're the reason I live
Take my life, Lord, and use me as You will
Jesus, You're the reason I live

-- "Reason I Live" by Planet Shakers

Something better

"... [I]t boils down to having a wrong perception of God. Christians settle because they believe God won't give them something better than what they can get for themselves.

"... Our God 'is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine' (Ephesians 3:20). The best we could dream of, pray for, or grab for ourselves can never match what God longs to do for us. Our human desires and efforts are immeasurably poor by comparison...

"... Let go of your fake pearls... so that God might give you the real thing."

-- He's HOT, She's HOT by Jeramy & Jerusha Clark (Link mine)

Saviour of the World

I am overwhelmed
At this precious gift I hold
For I know that as I hold You
Here in my arms
I know that one day
You will hold the world in Yours

-- "Saviour of the World" by Katia Bowley

Place of new power

"God understood Moses' fear. He also understood the Israelites' pain. Our God sees affliction and tears; He is watching the oppressor. And when we most need it, He sends help.

"For Moses, as for us, many times the place of failure becomes the place of new power."

-- All for Jesus by Franklin Graham

Another miracle

Smallest baby to live: Born 8.6 oz

More miracle babies.

You are true

In the midst of my darkest hour
You see my tear-stained face
This broken form that no longer feels
Power with no apparent place
But even when this world
Has turned her back on me
When it's cold where it once had burned
When my thoughts are frightening

You will never leave me

When I fail at living and loving
When I fail you, Lord
I want things that I know very well
I cannot afford
When I feel like I have no purpose
Except to live and die
Or all they tell me is that I'm worthless
Why even try

I cannot be sure of my love for You
But in the midst of my doubt... You are true

-- "Never Leave" by Kendall Payne

As for me and my house...

As for me, God came and found me
As for me, He took me home
As for me, He gave me a family
And I'll never walk alone

In my life I'm soaked in blessing
And in heaven there's a great reward
As for me and my house
We're going to serve the Lord

I've got Jesus
He calls me for His own
And He lifts me
Above the world I know

-- "God is in the House" by Hillsong

Miracle

Little Calvin a miracle in the making (via Annie)

A must-read.

If you believe that the doctors did not misdiagnose, then it surely must have been God's hand.

If you believe that the doctors did misdiagnose, then God is trying to tell us something, don't you think?

In thinking that it is noble to end their suffering, we rob these children of their chance at a miracle. Let's stop parading "certainty" and "impossibility," as if it were the truth, when God keeps proving otherwise.

Could it be?

"What screams of vulnerability like God walking around with mortals? Knowing heaven and then choosing to leave it for this place we know now would be a hard choice. No one would do it unless there was a purpose greater than even heaven's beauty. Could it be that our worth is greater than the worth of heaven? Could it be that our souls are more precious than all eternity? I believe they were to Him. There is nothing else that makes sense."

-- "Keep Me Safe" by Drea

Frightened

"Regardless of the cause, none of your problems could happen without God's permission. Everything that happens to a child of God is Father-filtered, and He intends to use it for good even when Satan and others mean it for bad."

-- The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren

It's easy to read this and say "Amen!" when the biggest of your problems is worrying about examination results. It's quite another thing to cling on to God's truth when both your parents are due for surgeries, 24 hours apart.

I know that it'd probably be healthier to cry on someone's shoulder, but for now, I cannot think of doing anything other than pretending that nothing is wrong.

I don't need comfort, or anything that anyone can give. I need my parents to be well. I need this week to pass quickly and for everything to be back to normal. I need these tears to stop flowing. I need my stomach to stop churning. I need my parents to stop pretending that everything's okay, when inside, they are more frightened than I am.

Part of the picture

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
"I just don't know"

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyse the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God, and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting
God is God and I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I'm filled with awe and wonder
Till the only burning question that remains
Is "Who am I?"

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

-- "God is God" by Steven Curtis Chapman

I choose Jesus

What will it be
If I could live my life again
Would I choose riches
Or the praises of men
Sometimes I'm tempted
To choose romance
And the possibility that
My loneliness will end

But in Your mercy
You've brought me here today
When I've searched my heart
I know that I would say
"I choose Jesus,"
(Because He chose me first!)
And every day I am so amazed
At the sufficiency of His love

-- "The Romans 8 Song" by Hwee

Sound samples and CD orders here. An amazing collection. (Via A L.)

When I think of all of the times that I have chosen something apart from God, it hurts me to think of how much it broke His heart every single time I did. And then when I think of how He has taken me back every time I've come running to Him, crying and lost, I can no longer hold back the tears. I keep thinking that I know just how much my God loves me, but He never fails to amaze me each time He steps down and says, "I love you more than that."

Footprints

Brings a whole new meaning to first impressions. Hur hur.

I will follow

I am truly blessed with wonderful friends.

It's difficult, in the course of our everydays, to sit and talk about the things that really matter; rather, it takes me an unusually long time to spit out my concerns -- they always seem so much more real when they are verbalised.

Along the road, friendships have faded, and I always wondered what to do with them. The thought of reviving them on my own efforts is something very foreign to me. It's like bringing me into an operating theatre, putting a scapel in my hand, and asking me to perform a C-section; I have a vague idea of what I have to do, but then I also know nuts about doing it -- more importantly, something very fragile and precious hangs in the balance.

Last night, staying over with a friend who was home alone, it came out, and I am slowly coming to terms with leaving it in God's hands. Very very slowly. My mind knows that God's timing is far better than mine, and that He has his purpose, even if it means us walking in totally opposite directions... at least, for now. But my heart constantly wonders if our drifting apart has anything to do with me doing something wrong, or not doing something that could have saved the relationship. There are few friends that have stuck close in the years past, and that is why they are so precious to me.

I love them all -- these people who have crossed my path and touched my life -- but God is starting to teach me that being "forever friends" doesn't mean that we have to talk or see each other every day, that even though it seems that we have gotten to a point where we have little in common, His plan is still good. Sometimes, I try so hard to resurrect the faded past, that things like getting to know someone new, or opening up to people that I've never opened up to before, guilts me to the point of eating me up; as though loving new friends makes me love old friends less. Whether it is pride, or the control freak in me, I know not; I am trying to obey, and touch the people who are in my life now. But God knows also that my heart will always yearn to bring back the colour into those faded albums, and when God leads me to reach into old friendships that have passed, He knows that I will be only too glad to follow.

Walk in it

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." -- Proverbs 16:9

"All you have to do is to walk in it," He said. "Pick up My blessings along the way. Some are so far away that you can't see them yet. But I assure you, whatever your heart desires, I will put it in your path."

She looked down at the yellow brick road, and for the first time, realised that it wasn't made of bricks. It wasn't all yellow either; it held all of the colours of the rainbow. This path that she'd been walking was carpeted with diamonds -- every inch of it. It took her breath away.

"I want you to walk slow enough to pick up the little diamonds too. Sometimes, the big ones hinder you from seeing the small ones under your feet. Trust that I have your path planned out, and that every step of it is very good."

She looked up, and despite the uncertainty, she believed Him -- the only thing that she would trust, that she would cling on to -- if not before, then from now on.

"All you have to do is to walk in it."

-- 13 May 2004 to 08 Dec 2004

Why

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course, was not quite as wild

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
There was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said, "Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows
Daddy please, can't you do something?
He looks as though He's gonna cry
You said He was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy, please tell me why
Why does everyone want Him to die?"

Later that day, the sky grew cloudy
And Daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy, was he right, but I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide

So after he left, I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill
Where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, "Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows
Father please, can't you do something?
I know that You must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father, remind me why
Why does everyone want me to die?
Oh, when will I understand why?"

My precious son, I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know
But this dark hour, I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cry
The power in your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look, there be love, see the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why...
She is why you must die

-- "Why" by Nichole Nordeman

I honestly have no words for this song.

Nichole Nordeman is a powerful storyteller, poet, writer, and musician -- all rolled into one.

Greatness of soul

"... God prizes that quality in the human spirit that will not give up.

"God wants greatness of soul -- people who will endure, wrestle, persevere, refuse to quit, and cling to His goodness even when there is much they can't see clearly."

-- Everybody's Normal Till You get to Know Them by John Ortberg

Never See the Day

I remember just like yesterday
When I could always see a smile on your face
And now we're standing underneath a different sky
You wish upon your star and I'll wish on mine
Somehow inside I feel the presence of your absense
From the falling rain

If a star fell from the sky
Everytime I thought of you
There would be none
And if the moon would shine
All the while you're on my mind
We'd never see the day
And I wish you weren't so far away

Pray tomorrow's going to be a better day
Just like yesterday when you were here
I can find my smile down on memory lane
And you can reach from where you are and dry my tears
Somehow inside I feel the presence of your absence
From the falling rain

-- "Never See the Day" by Nouveaux

Character

"The true test of a person's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing tremendous or exciting happening. A person's worth is revealed in his attitude toward the ordinary things of life when he is not under the spotlight."

-- My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (Online version here)

Healing

"There is truth to understanding that nobody understands. Your tragedy is unique to you."

I found myself glued to this journal, this person, who showed some semblance of understanding. I found the memories flooding back -- the fresh wave of pain, the comfort in knowing that I wasn't alone.

Two years ago, I wrote about how I'd see her in the faces of strangers, and I would turn to stare; but one blink would jolt me into the realisation that it wasn't her. I knew this in my head; that it couldn't have been her, but I allowed myself to hope... that someway, somehow, she would come back.

Shortly after, I no longer saw her, or, if I did, I learned not to stare, I learned to ignore the impossible. It was a habit I was only too glad to acquire. I wondered what kind of person that made me -- if it meant that I was selfish, or callous, for wanting to forget; for wanting this pain to go away.

But I realised that it wasn't possible. To forget. No matter how much I may have wanted to. Not a single day passes that I don't think of her, that I don't miss her; but whilst forgetting is not an option, healing is. Almost five years now, and we are still taking baby steps, we are on our road to recovery; we have a God who heals.

Some days, there are less tears; some days, the pain is a little duller; some days, we can block out the gruesome images and just remember the beauty. Baby steps -- even if it takes us our whole lives.

God is with you, Daryl. Every baby step of the way.

Old textbook method of confusion

"The fact that 'devils' are predominantly comic figures in the modern imagination will help you. If any faint suspicion of your existence begins to arise in his mind, suggest to him a picture of something in red tights, and persuade him that since he cannot believe in that (it is an old textbook method of confusing them) he therefore cannot believe in you."

-- The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis